Shaking it up!

I feel this blog has gone soft!  It's titled Grant Rants and Vanessa Listens so where have all the rants been?  Did they take a wrong turn at Albuquerque?  Have I gone soft?  Am I living a life where there are no complaints and nothing to truly rant about?

Even though I have a great life I seriously doubt I have nothing to complain about.  There are things I see everyday that I rant about and tear down for one reason or another.  The problem is I forget what it was that I was ranting about before I get back to the computer... Well times have changed and I remembered for once.

HOLLYWOOD HANS FLORINE!!!!@@##$$%YTERG$%^!!!

Yuji and Hans (photo from google)

OK, I'm assuming that anyone that looks at climbing magazines or web sites has heard the news about the latest speed ascent of the nose in Yosemite CA.  It's something that is seriously an endeavor that I could not do.  Personally it would be amazing if I could get up the nose in a day and I would consider it a lifetime accomplishment.  I by no means think I could do what these people do, but none the less I must fit the name of this blog and rant properly. Anyway after that on to the rant portion of this blog post


Hollywood Hans Florine.  Isn't he from the bay area? How the hell did he get the Hollywood nick name?   Shouldn't it be more like Haight Ashbury Florine or Golden Gate Florine?  The nick name overall isn't my biggest complaint though.  My biggest complaint involves the fact that no one seems to promote quite like Hans for these speed ascents, but no one has ever recruited as well as Hans.


I'm pretty sure I could get up the nose in around eight hours flat if I tied a rick shaw to the back of Alex Honnold and told him to pull my happy ass up the face.  I could be drinking a mojito while getting pulled up the changing corners. Yuji Hiryama can probably do a one arm while freeing the great roof while I jug up the rope behind him.  Basically Hans I feel has been brilliant in his choice of partners for this glorified boat race.  He has chose the best yet somehow takes most of the credit.

Now its a call to arms.  How about this idea.  I convince Yuji and Alex to team up and work on the speed record.  During there training I get super emaciated on a all mineral water and saltine diet(only rinse the water and never drink since water is heavy).  On the day of the ascent I strap my emaciated ass to the back of Alex(of course there will be a Grant change over half way to where I will be on Yuji's back, don't want one of them to get to tired) and spur there fit crack climbing strong mo asses up the wall.  During said ascent I will constantly be tweeting, facebooking, myspacing,carrier pigeoning(i think I made up a word),  calling randoms, and also of course cheering my chariots on.  Once we get to the top of course I will take credit for the awesome sauce speed record "WE" just got.  Hey sponsors(and of course hot flashes) you know you want to pay for this endeavor so contact asap because spots are filling up.

Well the whoo train is coming got to go.

cyclepub

GRANT
(Vanessa has nothing to do with this post)

**WAIVER!** (Now let me start by stating that I could never climb the nose as fast or do half the things these "speed demons" do.  Hans is I'm sure a awesome guy and if this ever gets back to him, I hope he gets that I can't do what he can do.  It's not jealousy that has created this post but just observation.) I suck at multi pitch climbing and while I can use all the equipment and have used some aiders in my day (mostly for route setting or belaying) I legit would not be able to change belays that fast or any of the other shenanigans that they do.  Hell, I get scared 3 feet above a cam so how could I go half a pitch? Plus widget blocks and springy things are heavy and I am lazy.  Long story short the only way I'm getting my lame ass up that monolith anywhere near as fast as these dudes is to get pulled up.